I recently told the world via Facebook that I believe WebMD is the quickest way to give yourself a heart attack. Of course, according to WebMD you have one coming any day now anyhow, so there’s that. The website has a “symptom checker” which may be helpful for some people, but has turned out to be more of an online grim reaper for myself. I started thinking about this internet gem, and I looked into a few symptom -> diagnosis journeys it can take readers on. I’ll share a few because you should be well informed of what’s REALLY going on with your health.
1. We’ll start with a common one. Are you having food cravings? Any chocolate cake calling your name, or bbq chicken giving you the eyes?
Yeah, okay, well that’s because you’re freaking bulimic! You need to get outta that cycle. You are not fooling us by saying you’re just hungry. We know what’s going on. Put down that fork and call that support group!
2. Have you had some apathetic feelings toward anything lately?
Mmmm, yes, okay. Well that would be your pellagra apathetically saying hello. Turns out, you’re just Niacin deficient! Whoops! This condition doesn’t sound so bad and even has the catchy little “4 D’s” that come along with it: dermatitis, diarrhea, dementia, and…death. Whoops again!
3. Do you ever have noisy breathing?
Maybe you have asthma! OOORRR you have epiglottitis. Which of course would make your breathing is a little bit louder! This life-threatening condition occurs when your epiglottis gives your windpipe a big FU and covers that thing up. You could check to see if this is what it looks like for you, but, don’t. Apparently that will result in SUDDEN DEATH.
4. Moving on. Does your ear hurt? Maybe feeling a little swollen or sore?
Well hey, you’re in good shape, because maybe it’s just an ear infection and that thing’ll clear right up! Of course…it could also be your cyanide poisoning or small intestine cancer. But, you know, who’s to say?
There you go. Giant THANKS to you, WebMD! Now just imagine if real doctors reacted like this when you weren’t feeling great. Oh wait, they do. And they all work at Theilan.