Basketball Mode.


It’s game time, Abby. Just a simple game of one-on-one. Practically what you were created to do. Basketball comes so naturally to you, it’s almost scary. But it’s not. It’s actually amazing; beautiful. Okay, you’re getting picked up in ten minutes, so go ahead and begin preparing. The ol’ checklist, remember? Engrained in your soul. Put on your basketball jersey. Forget the fact that it’s of a stupid high school team and was picked up from Goodwill. No one needs to know that. In fact, if anyone asks, you happen to own that particular team. And that particular Goodwill. Moving on. Deodorant. Done. Hair in ponytail. Done…with style. Take a swig of water.  GO! DRINK NOW! Realize it’s just about time to leave. Send text to boyfriend opponent saying, “Geeeez, I’ve been ready for hours.” But of course you mean your entire life.

Step outside. LORD HAVE MERCY THIS WEATHER IS PERFECT. Oh crap. He’s blaring Air Force Ones. Why didn’t you think of that? Oh crap again. Nelly is his spirit animal. Yours is Left-eye, which is okay. But she’s dead. Maybe that’s better? You probably should’ve warmed up to some TLC, but it’s too late now. Let it go, Abby, stop thinking. Get in the car. Rap along with Nelly: beat him at his own game! Giiive me twoooo pairsssss. What’s he say after that?

Okay, forget that, now we go. Set your sights on that beautiful concrete slab. Step on it and jump around screaming. This is where you belong.

Yell, “Give me a few practice shots!” You don’t need them, obviously. But do it anyway-you’re a hustler. Go ahead, stand at the free throw line and just sink those suckers in. Um, did you really just miss 4 in a row? Weird. That’s never happened before. Get a fifth practice shot in. Oh yes, nothing but net as the masses like to say. Okay, enough child’s play. Let’s get the ball rolling on this one-on-one, or get the ball….BOUNCING! HA! You’re funny, remember that always.

Take the ball in your hands. Dribble. Dribble…AGAIN. Look at the net. WAIT, NO! Look at your competition. Stare him down so he’s intimidated. Why is he laughing? Okay, forget that. Turn around and slooowwly back. it. up.  Dribble while walking backwards because, heck, you’re the freaking talent here. Okay, half way to the basket. Tight grip! Hold on to that the basketball…turn around…shoot! YEAH JUST LIKE THAT! Oh. It didn’t go in. Is this net too tall? Too short? It’s okay. It’s just one point. Now go get it and re-do. Wait… he already got the rebound? When did that happen? Alright, calm down. Take a breather. Let him take it back to the half-court line, work his way back towards the basket, and then, QUICK! Jump on his back! Reach around for the basketball! Foul?? He follows that ancient rule? Okay, fine. Grab both his arms! Go, now! Pull them down, until you’re almost sitting on the ground. Wait until the ball bounces loosely into the grass. Yell, “OUT!” Go retrieve that thing, and take it back to half-court, baby! Check that ball. Yeah, you CHECK. THAT. BALL.

Bounce, bounce once more, FAKE LEFT! FAKE RIGHT! SHOOT! All the way from here! Ugh, it didn’t go in. Again, Abby? Really? Run for the rebound. I said run!!!!!! Shove your opponent in the chest aggressively as to say “Out of my way, this is mine!” but still getting to save your actual breath. Get the rebound and slow it down until you’re comfortable. Maneuver your way about the court until you’re right under the hoop, just where you want to be. Mmhmm, right there – right at the square above the net. Shoot. Aaaand miss. Ask for a re-do. That felt wrong. Shoot. IN THE HOOP LIKE IT KNOWS NO OTHER HOME. Ha, ha, heh, heh. Look at your opponent. Is it embarrassing to be beat by a girl?

Oh, he just scored ten points? The game’s over? If you were a cursing girl, now would be your time to shine. But you’re not, so….just exhale with a “bummer.”  Good game though! Just kidding, you’re really freaking bad at basketball. Go listen to Waterfalls on repeat and weep.



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